Who ARE we? When we were little, we would go outside and stay there. For a long time. Probably not as long as we remember it, right? We’re the generation that walked to school ten miles in the snow uphill both ways. The story gets worse as we age. Now? We stay in. I don’t wanna go out there. It’s cold. I’ll have to put on clothes. Besides, Raymond’s on.
I’ll tell you what else got worse. Pain. It’s not more intense. It’s just more frequent. I don’t know what happened to us. Yesterday I pulled a neck muscle blowing my nose. Who does that? Old people, that’s who. We’re the ones who take medications to ward off the side effects to the supplements we take so we don’t have to take medications. That’s just sick.
And now: Things I Didn’t Expect.
1) The kids grew up.
Dang it! Sure I knew they’d eventually mature, but I forgot that they would actually leave. Physically and emotionally. When it’s YOUR parents, you feel comfortable saying, “Oh I couldn’t wait to get out of the house, she drives me crazy.” You roll your eyes, the whole bit. You can say that because they’re your parents. But that wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I’m a great guy. I don’t know what’s wrong with them.
2) That thing where you have to hike up your pants all the time.
Who saw that coming? I’m not particularly overweight, but something happened around 50, 55, I don’t know. Suddenly the belt is not enough. It used to suffice. Now, I’m hiking up my pants all the time. I see other old people do it too. They hike up their pants. And I’ll ask, “How old are you?” Without fail, they’ll say, “50, 55, I don’t know.” Every time.
3) We got smarter and stupider all at the same time.
How is it that a person who somehow has figured out the universe, everybody’s motives, and “seen it all before”, with all this maturity and wisdom, is the same person who leaves his keys in the freezer? This is a phenomena of science not likely solved in our lifetime. So what in the heck happened to us?
If you have answers to any of these key quandaries to sexagenarian life, text me. I would appreciate your kind counsel.
As soon as I can find my freakin’ phone.