Fixing a Hole

Fixing a Hole

“I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in. And stops my mind from wandering where it will go.” Lennon/McCartney

I’ve Been Thinking…

There’s a hole in my heart that only God can fill. I’ve heard it a million times. The trick is, while I’ve asked him into my life, and he accepted my invitation, it didn’t end there. I continue to invite Him regularly. If I don’t routinely grab a hold of some kind of devotional, Bible study, teaching, music, program, or something pointing me to Jesus, I turn quickly. Ever so subtly, my intentions change. My reactions are more selfishly driven. My mood darkens. It may not happen quickly, but it happens.

After all these years, I’ve learned a little bit more about the nature of God. I’ve learned He’s often quiet in His ways. He changes my heart slowly. Many times I don’t even know it’s happening until many years later. But my negative tendencies consistently push back, and I fall into the same old traps.

They didn’t tell me that when I first signed up.

I don’t regret the decision for a minute, but it caught me off guard. I was under the impression it was a one time fix all. I thought I would be at peace all the time. I thought all my selfish ways would go away. I thought everything would be “brighter”. I thought angels would sing. It’s easy to understand how a child could have such naive expectations.

I was 28.

As frustrating as it gets at times to think I’m not getting any better, or I should be much farther along in my faith by now, I’m encouraged. Even though I struggle feeling like God isn’t really the dominant force I want Him to be, I have hope.

If He was a magic man who clicked a remote and changed me instantly into the New Improved Me, I’m no better than a phone upgrade or a refreshed screen. That’s not what He wants. He just wants me, and that’s so awesome. And just like I want to have a relationship with my child, He loves me and wants me to love Him back.

He can’t make me.

I’ve got to want it. I have to come to Him on a daily basis. The wealth of His wisdom, compassion and perspective is limitless. He’s faithful to show up every time I call a meeting. I may not feel anything after we adjourn, but I can always look back and know my time spent with Him was valuable. Little by little, He’s making a difference in my little (I mean big) punkin head. His faithfulness is beyond my ability to grasp. So it gets easier all the time to have confidence in Him. So why do I still suffer with inner conflicts? Why do I still push away?

We’re meeting about that tonight.